I wish

I keep hearing of student missionaries who either are renewing their contract for another year, or wished that things would work out so that they could.

And it makes me jealous.

Because I wanted to feel that way.

I wanted so badly to feel connected to where I’d gone, wanted it to be hard when I left because it would mean that I’d really loved it while I was there.

I’ll miss many things, of course.  I’ll miss fellow teachers, and the good times we’ve had together.  I’ll miss my students, kids sitting on my lap during chapel, reading crazy test answers, answering questions that only 8 year old minds think up.  I’ll miss diving, and swimming in the lagoon.  I’ll miss the Chuukese staff and church members I’ve grown close to.

But I won’t miss feeling like a prisoner, trapped on a campus I occasionally leave, and an island group I never leave.  I won’t miss the staff problems I never expected, or the frustrations of teaching students who are at more levels of understanding than I know how to accommodate.  I won’t miss the violence, and never leaving campus after dark unless I’m in a vehicle with many other people.  I won’t miss feeling like I have a very small amount of control over my life.

It’s not that I feel my time here is worthless, or not meaningful.  I know that just because something is not the way you expected it does not mean it becomes less valuable.  But it does not keep me from wishing.

Oh, how I wish.

Early dismissal

"Teacher, don't you ever leave your hair down?"
"Because it's so hot in here during the day that it get all sweaty on my neck."
"Can I take it down?"
"Sure."
Little fingers pull the hairtie, then run through my hair.  More fingers join in the tugging, and the talking behind my head increases.
"I like teacher's hair."  "Yeah, your hair is so pretty!"  "And it's sooo soft.  Why is your hair so soft teacher?"
"It's soft because I use conditioner.  Your hair soft too."
A small nose is pushed into my hair.
"Teacher's hair smells really good!  Smell teacher's hair!"
Instantly, 5 noses belonging to sweaty-faced children are buried in my hair.
"You're right, it does smell good!"  "Teacher, your hair smells so nice!"  "Mmmmm, I want to EAT teacher's hair!!"
I laugh.  "It's just because of the conditioner.  You can spend a dollar and have hair that smells just like mine if you want.
The fingers continue their styling.  Braids, ponytails.  One person gets shoved aside by someone confident their hairstyling abilities are better than those being currently displayed.  By the end, I have a braid matching that of one of my students, and hair that has been touched by hands that have been unknown places without seeing soap for some time.

I might get lice.  The worry has crossed my mind.

But.....if I do, maybe it would have been a little bit worth it.

60 feet under

It's embarrassing.  Nearly 7 months here, and it's just now that Jace and I are taking our classes to get certified for scuba diving. I'm not really sure how it happened, because I'd planned to learn to dive here, knowing that it's reported to be one of the best places in the world for diving, particularly wreck diving.  But it got put off in our first few months here as we were adjusting to everything new, then put off because the instructor was being replaced, put off because my family would be here at Christmas, put off because........

Well, enough of the reasons it's been put off.  The important thing is that we're doing it now, and will have time for some amazing dives before coming home.

Plus, it's a good way to get off campus.  It's hard to describe how stifling this place can get.

Perhaps more stories later about the joys of seeing wrecks, colorful fish, stinging myself on nasty ocean plants (which leave itchy rashes which are the height of delight), filling my mask with water on purpose, and  nearly knocking Jace's regulator out of his mouth.  (Those videos where they show you clumsy divers meant to impress upon you the importance of knowing how to get your regulator back are based on people like...me.)

Explaining

"Teacher, what's an urchin?"

"Teacher, why are you sweating?"

"Teacher, what are those spots on your face?"

"Teacher, are you rich?"

Pinkie Promise

Never before did I realize the power of a pinkie promise.

"Tpherson, I really really need to you to focus in class.  You need to stop leaving your desk and do what I've asked you to do.  Can you do that for me please?"
It's a speech I've made multiple times.  I held little hope that it will be any more effective than it was the other times I gave it.
"Ok teacher, I'll do better.  Can we pinkie promise so that I'll do better this afternoon?"
"Sure."
Our pinkies locked in agreement, and we headed back inside.  That afternoon saw a not perfect but fairly diligent note copier who only left his desk a few times.
"Hey teacher, can we pinkie promise again before I leave so that I can do good again tomorrow?"
"That sounds wonderful!  Let's do that!"
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday

Where did this student who does his work come from?  Each time he got distracted it just took my pinkies locked in the air waved meaningfully in his direction to elicit an "oh yeah!" as he headed back to his work.

Maybe it won't last until the end of the year.  But I'll be holding on to pinkie promises for as long as I can.

Changes

Sometimes I wonder. are these kids really learning anything?  Is anything changing?  Am I actually making any positive influence?  It can sometimes be so hard to see, and discouraging when you can't.  But yesterday I suddenly realized something:

I no longer have to separate fights nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
I no longer have a student cry about some irritation or frustration every day of the week.
Complaints about someone stealing one of their items have decreased.

I don't know if anything can be accounted to me or not, but whether or not it can, change does happen.  Sometimes it just takes a while for it to appear.

Planting, and other sundry things

I'm sorry.  I really didn't intend for more than a month to pass without me updating my blog.  But as we all know, good intentions are never enough on their own.  I'll attempt to summarize the main happenings of the last month.

Christmas:
Christmas was good because my parents and brother came to visit me!  We spent time snorkeling, visited a couple of other islands,hiked, and saw a couple of noteworthy places on Chuuk.  We also spent plenty of time inside playing games or watching movies when there wasn't much else to do.  It was wonderful to see them again.  It still didn't feel like Christmas, and I can safely say I think it's the only time I will eat mashed potatoes, bananas, and no-bake cheesecake for Christmas dinner.  It made me look forward to Christmas next year.  I'm glad the holidays are over because now my brain doesn't have to reconcile the thoughts that it was the Christmas season and I was hot and sweaty with no pine trees in sight.

New Years:
People in Chuuk stay up all night New Years Eve banging out beat and yelling happy new years and other things in Chuukese.  They continue this for the next few days, but luckily it starts to taper off after new years day is over.  We had our staff party Saturday night which was enjoyable, but on actual New Years Eve I went to bed early and was thankful for an air-conditioner and pouring rain to drown out the noisemakers outside!

Back to School:
School started back up on January 3, and the first day back I had only 8 students.  It was heavenly, and I found myself wishing I always had that many students!  It was quieter, and most of all I was actually able to help everyone who needed help!  It reminded me that I really do enjoy teaching when I'm not constantly trying to keep everyone on task, or unable to help everyone who desperately needs it.  This semester does seem better than the last so far, and for that I'm thankful.  Last week was our Spirit Week and the students enjoyed the chance to dress up each day. I gave them the tie-dyed t-shirts my mom made for them for their rainbow day, and third grade was ( in my opinion) the cutest class on campus!  Friday was Community Service day and we picked up trash alongside the road.  It went fairly well, although I did wonder how much of what we were doing was sinking into the student's heads when after filling our last trash bag one of them threw his candy wrapper on the ground.  I guess we can't always see the results of our efforts right away!

I sometimes think of my time here compared with the month I spent in the Philippines, and how it is in the planting sense.  In the Philippines I was more of a reaper, sweeping in doing fast work gathering in the harvest.  Here I'm planting the seeds, and only seeing some of the results of what I do.  It's like there is row after row after row to be planted, everyday.  Walking along in the blazing sun or the pouring rain (like the mailman!), always planting those seeds.  They're both important....  But I realize more and more what a different experience it is to be a planter rather than a reaper.