The Longings of our Hearts

I've put off writing this blog partly because what I felt like saying kept changing, and partly because it wasn't something I wanted to think about even more than I do. But a student mission blog would be incomplete without it, and I would feel I was lying in some way if it was not included.


The fragrance of homesickness has become like a wafting odor drifting around everything I do; sometimes so light I barely notice it, and sometimes so thick it fills my nostrils and I can hardly breathe. I expected homesickness, of course, but I did not really realize the depths to which it would probe, or the way it would be like a dye, tingeing everything. I’ve never lived somewhere before where every memory of my life previous to moving there made me miss something because everything is different. Example:

A caring individual sends me a package, and inside the package is something padded with plastic bags. I pull out a walmart bag. Oh! A walmart bag! I haven’t been to walmart in months. I kind of miss having everything I need in one store… I miss driving to walmart. I just miss driving. I miss nice roads, actually. And going faster than 15 mph! Ahh, what fun to it will be to just go 50 mph again! I miss going to town all by myself too. Driving in the car, all alone… I miss driving more than 10 miles away from where I’m living too. ...I just miss independence.

It’s not that I’m not enjoying much of my time here, but I’ve been dismayed to find how hard it is to cast off the shadow that homesickness seems to spread across everything I experience. I stand gazing at a beautiful palm tree and think “I miss oak trees, fall colors, seasons….” I sit next to the warm ocean gently lapping its water onto the shore and wistfully imagine myself bundled in my yellow coat with a bright scarf, snowflakes drifting down on me. Some days it is a fight to remind myself to soak up what I have to enjoy here instead of being trapped by what I am used to, and expect. I am often frustrated by how much I think of how glad I will be to return home, when coming here was something I looked forward to with eagerness for so long.

I am glad to report that while it is not gone, I find myself adjusting more and more, and homesickness is not so strong any more. The mornings when every day I fought back the tears as I missed everything familiar and looked at what seemed to be an endless amount of time remaining have gone. The loneliness of finding everyone likeable but having no close friends has disappeared as time has been wrapping more and more cords into the ropes of friendship that have been forming.
I’ve learned more here than ever before what it is like to trust in God to give the strength you need for every moment of every day. And while I’m sure the cloying odor of homesickness will never go away, and has not spent its full power yet, I am confident in the sustaining power of my God, who gave up much more than I can ever comprehend.